Cum What May
I recently came across a tweet that made my heart sink. She said something along the lines of feeling disgusting having sex if she doesn’t orgasm from it. She continued on with something to the effect of why does she allow herself to just be used, to be a part of something he gets to enjoy and then left feeling disgusting and shameful either covered in or full of his cum as an unfriendly reminder of her not having a good time.
I am curious. Do you personally feel that if you do not orgasm during sexual intercourse
(whatever style) that something is wrong with you or that you feel shameful or gross? Do you orgasm from masturbation? If so, how does that make you feel?
I am curious because I want to know how many people are affected by this. I feel that there are factors that play huge roles in if and why we orgasm.
From my own very personal experience, I believe that 1.) I need to feel comfortable orgasming, which to be honest, is a performance. I make it clear that I am enjoying the experience and I am loud and vocal when I orgasm. I wasn’t always that way, but practice has made it easier. I am always able to get myself off through masturbation, so I took on my performance role and worked myself up one orgasm at a time to being comfortable with orgasming and expressing my experience as it is happening, until I felt comfortable to do so with a partner and then with multiple partners. The orgasmic experience should be a form of communication between you and whoever is doing the work to get you off. They need to know they have satisfied you and in my opinion, should be praised for the work they put i to do so.
This leads me to my second point 2.) You are the key to communicating your sexual desires, how you reach orgasmic bliss, and how you want your partner(s) to help you achieve your ultimate goal of orgasming. You should feel comfortable enough to have these conversations and speak easily on these topics with your sexual partner(s).
My last point 3.) is simply that you deserve the orgasm. As much as your partner(s) deserve and desires to reach their orgasms, you have every right to yours, and if
you are failing to reach that goal, you need to be able to talk through and resolve the issue and then find a way to rectify the situation and get off.
Many women (and some non-women) have been taught to disregard their lack of getting off and carry on. We have been made to feel shame as if there is something wrong with us because typically it does take us longer to cum than it takes our male-identified counterparts. Don’t get me wrong, I am not man-shaming or blaming, they
get their fair share of ridiculousness and are left feeling shameful as well. I am just making my point that women are less likely to have the discussions and will most likely carry on, to avoid seeming or being referred to as dramatic, etc. SPEAK UP! Male or female, trans or cis-gendered, if you are not being satisfied during sex, say something.
Your partner(s) might not be aware, they might be too embarrassed to ask you why you didn’t get off, believing it is them, and/or they may not know how to make the experience better for you, so help them out and it will help you out! Build up the courage and confidence to relay that you did not cum. They might apologize and ask what they
can do. Be ready to have a conversation, be prepared, be confident! But also be compassionate for their experience as well. These conversations can be difficult but they are definitely worth all our time.
I have had my fair share of non-orgasmic sexual experiences (and sometimes that is perfectly wonderful), but I have learned that with proper communication regarding the problem, I am now not only able to orgasm, but usually I can have multiple orgasms -- and let me tell you what! My partner(s) are very in tune with my body and what works for me, because I made those discoveries while masturbating and coaching myself to make it clear when I am climaxing.
If you are unclear about what an orgasm feels like because you are unsure if you had
one, practice by yourself until you cum. You will discover that the more you get yourself off, the better your orgasms become. Your orgasms are important, assuming you are someone who desires sex (and it is perfectly normal and healthy not to). Sometimes it is helpful to have your partner(s) watch you masturbate so they can see what does it for you, where the most sensitive spots are, to learn techniques, to feel less pressure as they are only watching, not performing and hey, who doesn’t love a good show? Especially when someone is cumming directly in front of you.
Masturbating in front of someone is a confidence builder as well. Taking control of your orgasm and showing off your skills displays confidence and you know what else
really works? After your partner(s) watch you get yourself off, ask them if they’d like to try. Like I said, communication is a key factor in the orgasm achievement. We can be the best teachers for our bodies and desires. We know our bodies best. Trust yourself, find your confidence, masturbate yourself to euphoria, and then share that wealth of knowledge for your own good. Encourage your partner to do the same if you are noticing they are not orgasming and also not talking to you about it. Flirtatiously ask them to masturbate for you to watch, let them know it turns you on to see them getting themselves off. You can learn from watching as much as they can.
If you can get yourself off, you will learn what to ask for during sex with your partner(s) vice versa. Your orgasms will be better, more frequent, and more intense. Don’t be afraid to ask for whatever works for you. If you prefer anal, say so! If you only want oral, let them know! If you need something specific, be open and honest about it. Also, allow them to be just as open with you and embrace their needs as they embrace yours. If they request something you are uncomfortable with, discuss that. Don’t do something you don’t want to, find what works for both of you (or all of you).
I highly suggest you experiment, try new things, engage in their fantasies and requests, but if it is something you really disapprove of, be sure to let them know. Remember, open and honest and nonjudgmental COMMUNICATION IS KEY!
Your orgasms are literally in your hands. Practice, play with yourself, masturbate away! Find what works and share that with your sexual partner(s).
To reiterate, I want to clarify that if you are asexual, that is awesomely beautiful too. I am not trying to exclude anyone, I just wanted this blog to focus on achieving the best orgasm, if that is your thing. Had a mind-blowing orgasm lately? I'd love to hear all about it! Write to me anytime and stay safe and sexy, Sinners!
Your Resident Gardner in Eden,
